Paul Is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion by Alan Goldsher

Author:Alan Goldsher [Goldsher, Alan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781439177921
Publisher: Pocket
Published: 2010-06-22T00:00:00+00:00

JIMMY NICOL: When Brian Epstein called to invite me on tour, the first thing I asked was, “Can I get speak with Ringo before I decide? I’d like to get his blessing.” He told me the same thing he told everybody else: Ringo was sick and in the hospital and, because of his tonsils, unable to talk. That sounded odd to me, but I didn’t dwell on it. The most important thing was to learn the material.

After a couple of shows, I more or less forgot about the Ringo situation, but on the plane ride from Amsterdam to Hong Kong, Paul came by my seat and said, “Listen, mate, you’ve played great over the last week, so I’m going to tell you something that only six or seven other people in the world know about, but you have to promise not to discuss this with anybody other than John, George, and me. If you open your yap to the outside world, there could be dire consequences, y’know.”

I said, “My yap is sealed.” Of course my yap was sealed. I knew what’d happened at the Cavern Club back in ’62 and was well aware what “dire consequences” meant.

Paul said, “Ringo’s not sick.”

He stared at me like he wanted a response, but I kept quiet, for fear of saying something that could lead to pain. Finally, once I realized he wasn’t gonna open up his mouth until I said something, I asked, “Did Ringo shove off, then?”

He nodded, then said, “He sort of did, Jimmy. He sort of did.” Then he kind of sighed all sadly and said, “See, Ringo is a Seventh Level Ninja Lord, y’know, and to reach Level Eight, he has to complete the Shu Shen Shwa Triumvirate to the satisfaction of Mistress Sbagw N’phszyz Xi, who happens to be the world’s only living Twenty-Sixth Level Ninja Lord, and she’s in bloody Greenland. We can’t let anybody know about it, because if people know Ringo feels the need to jump a Ninja Lord Level, they might think of him as vulnerable, and that could lead to an attack, and, really, who needs that sort of malarkey? The thing is, Ringo could’ve hopped a taxi to the West End to study with a Twenty-Fifth Level, but he had to go to sodding Qaqortoq, Greenland. D’you know what I mean? That Ninja lot is completely mental.”

We stared at each other for a bit, then I said, “What the bloody fook are you goin’ on about?”

Paul said, “Don’t worry about it. Just tell everybody Ringo has a sore throat, and he’ll be back soon.”

I said, “Will he be back soon?”

Paul said, “Dunno, mate. That’s why I’m discussing this with you. You play some mean drums, and you’re a nice bloke, so if Ringo refuses to leave Greenland after he’s Level Eight, would you be interested in joining us permanently? Or at least semipermanently?”

Obviously I was flattered, but I wondered exactly what “joining us permanently” meant. Did it mean I’d be a drummer or a zombie or a zombie drummer? I wasn’t too keen on the last two.

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